The Reflection of Her Heart

This afternoon I found myself sitting across the room from an angry teenage girl. I sat quietly as tears streamed down her thin face leaving a trail of dark make-up behind.

Her head was covered with unnaturally dyed black hair that she had slicked back tightly and piled high on top of her head.

She wore magnificent silver hoops that occupied the space from her ears to her shoulders.

Her small body displayed tattoos that told the story of her short and painful life.

Some symbolized her loss and the darkness in her soul. Others representing the few joys of her life.

Large angel wings could be seen on her back underneath the thin straps of her shirt. Next to each wing was a rose and under each rose was the name of one of her children along with the date of their birth.

Her children meant everything to her. At seventeen she had been working three jobs and had her own car and apartment while being a single mother of two little ones. Through choking sobs she explained that she loves her kids more than anything and would never do anything to hurt them. I smiled with what I hoped was a sympathetic expression, but inside my heart was aching.

Did she really love her kids more than anything? They had been removed from her custody because of her drug use. A teenage mother who now had no job, no car, and an addiction to heroin and meth is not considered an ideal environment for two toddlers.

She took a deep breath, composed herself, and continued her story to explain how she had gotten to where she is today. The story is familiar to me. A childhood of neglect, sexual exploitation, foster homes, and worthlessness.

I suspect many people view her as indifferent and irresponsible because of the choices that she has made. My thoughts turned to 1 Samuel 16 and how it reminds us that while it is true that man looks on the outward appearance, God actually looks on the heart.

Leaning back in my chair I asked God to enable me listen to her heart.

A heart that is broken, alone, and empty.

A heart so full of pain that it looks for any substance that will take the edge off.

A heart that has been so wounded by those who should have protected her that she now worships at the alter of self-protection at all costs ... believing she cannot depend on anyone other than herself.

A heart that is angry, bitter, and unforgiving as it hardens itself in order to survive.

A heart that refuses to treat her children the way that she was treated by her own mother.

When this broken young woman looks at herself in the mirror, she sees her heart reflected back to her. A heart that is open to loving her children to the best of her ability. From her perspective, that is enough.

She probably is a much better mother than her own mom was. She won't let her kids be around her drug use. She won't allow strange men around them who could hurt them. She won't punish them with physical pain. She will talk to them and read to them and play with them. She will do the best she can and it will be a little bit better.

But is it enough? That is the question that weighed on my heart as I watched her leave the office. As I stared out the window my eyes filled with tears. She had so many wounds. She had so much responsibilty. She was doing the best she could with the capacity that she had. Will it be enough to ever get her little ones back? I don't know.

Restoration...restoration...restoration... the word whispered in my soul as she walked away. She isn't worthless. She was created by our loving God with intention and joy. She has value and purpose. His heart breaks over what she has experienced. He knows her heart. He honors her commitment to her children. He can restore her to be the woman that He designed her to be.

She doesn't trust Him right now. But she trusts me. And I will continue to point her to Him. I pray that His light and His love will shine into the darkness of her soul.

I don't know if she will ever be restored in relationship with her children. I am thankful that is not my decision to make. I don't know if she will ever let go of the anger that is keeping her stuck in a victim mentality. I don't know if she will ever break down her walls of self-protection in order to process and heal from her wounds. I don't know if she will ever open her heart to Jesus.

But I know God loves her. And becasue He loves her, I love her. And to me, the reflection of her heart is beautiful.